i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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