He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
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