I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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