the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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