I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
