my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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