The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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