we're making bets on your personal life
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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