That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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