why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
