Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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