How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
