Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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