every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize