just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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