remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
