Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
