3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
