Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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