Don't make out with my wife yet
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize