sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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