What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize