Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My ass is underappreciated
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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