I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
