If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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