I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
