Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
