she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
