I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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