First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
