Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
