I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize