No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
