Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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