Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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