She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
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