woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
