A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
