All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Everclear isn't food dammit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
