the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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