Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
