I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize