I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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