how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
