just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
