Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
