This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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