After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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