when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
