There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
