Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
