see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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