You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
