he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
