I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
that may or may not have been my penis.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
