He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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