Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
